Toddler Behavior - What to do instead of distraction

Distraction is not permission.

I find that use of distraction with toddlers can lead to more frustration and tantrums overall.

We distract kids from showing emotion, usually what we define as a bad emotion, to make ourselves feel better. To save time, to alleviate a situation in public that can be embarrassing.  What we are really doing is teaching kids to shut down their feelings and their needs, and pretend to be happy.  While I truly believe that each parent has to do what is best for them in each situation, this conversation is looking at the bigger picture of the coping techniques we use with children.

I have used distraction a lot in my 30+ years of working with children. I’m not sure when I became aware of what it was actually doing, and what it is creating in the children and in the world. 

Time out is also ineffective. What is it teaching our children, how is it shaping our world?

This is not about what you are doing to keep yourself sane, and have a moment for yourself, it’s about thinking more deeply about how you want to communicate with children and anyone really.

• How is distraction helpful?

• How is distraction causing more problems or tantrums, or arguments?

• What is distraction teaching children?

• How does distraction help you?

I believe we use distraction when we don’t have the time or the energy to deal with the issue at hand.  What other strategies can we use in these situations that would be more beneficial than distraction?

This answer may be different for different people, and can be different with different children.  I’m not here to give the answer only to ask the question and support you on finding the answer that works best for you.

Negotiation can be beneficial if the child is not feeling forced.  They can agree and not comply because they don’t understand, and this can create another habit or thought form that is not fully beneficial to their development.  This causes more stress between the two of you because you will probably be upset. 

Or they agree and comply but only because they don’t feel like they have a choice. Which can create an energy of not knowing what they want or need, or not fully knowing how to make a decision, or not understand what it is like to have choice.  It takes them out of their own power to choose.

Authentic Negotiation can be effective, if it is understood by the child and is clearly followed through on, creating trust in the relationship and easier negotiations in the future.  For toddlers this has to be simple and not have a long wait time.  They are very impulsive at this age and will not be able to hold on for a long period of time.  I suggest a few minutes, taking them somewhere as soon as possible to listen and figure out what they need. 

Practicing authentic negotiation on a regular basis is beneficial for those times when you are trying to avoid a meltdown in the grocery store.